Saturday, September 29, 2012

CAFE standards for children

I don't understand what all the fuss is over Michelle Obama's new CAFE standards for children. By following her new calorie standards, America will soon be able to save millions of tons of food that could be better used for making biofuel for Eco-friendly flights in AirForce One to this month's new vacation site. Creating EU-compliant carbon-neutral biofuel for the weekly junkets is far more important than making sure hungry children have enough to eat, anyone with an Obama bumper sticker will tell you that.

CAFE standards for cars have proven that government need only mandate a one-size-fits-all standard and the market place will, like magic, make it happen. So what if the child runs track or plays sports; like the SUV, if government passes strict enough fuel standards, eventually a hybrid will emerge and some student will 'evolve' to run a 200k triathlon on a pack of crackers and a hardboiled egg.

With these new CAFE standards in place on children, all we have to do is wait and watch the magic happen!

We should be thanking Michelle Obama for helping speed evolution along! Without imposing a new CAFE standard, GM would never have invented the Volt, and the Prius would never have been. Get off your lazy ass, Creator, we need to switch to hybrid children today, so that all those crops we waste on food can fuel our clean, carbon-neutral utopia future!

Perhaps, if reelected, Obama will implement a cash-for-clunkers where he will give drug addicts, smokers, alcoholics, the fat, and the out of shape $3,000 to stay out of ObamaCare or move to another country. I look forward to the day where the FDA can jail someone for eating too many calories at one time, much like we do with speeders. The test pilot is already working. FDA representatives have already prevented children from eating packed lunches that 'don't comply' with the new CAFE standards for children. We can't have ObamaCare without imposing these new standards on everyone. Perhaps we can apply it to our new emigration standards too. Go over a certain BMI and lose your citizenship!

But the brilliance doesn't end there. Without all those excess calories, the children of the future will be much easier to control. It will soon be as rare to find a child misbehaving as it is to find a Yugo speeding. Soon, all that children will have the energy for is playing on video games and napping on the couch. Michelle is, by far, the most brilliant first lady we've ever had, and you all should be ashamed of yourselves for criticizing her for imposing CAFE standards on your children. What are you, a bunch of racists!

Hope and change! Hope and change!

. . . can I get my free. ObamaPhone now?

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